Baby Hopes

(Wrote this draft last month)
Jan 2015
It's been about a year now that we've been trying to add another little one to our family. In August I miscarried. We're afraid that it might just become more and more difficult to conceive.. My doctor with Jacob mentioned I might have pcos, which would cause infertility. There's also a history of endometriosis in my family, so if I had that, my chances would also go down.

So I thought it might be a good idea to get some help. Because I'm only insured in CA, and we aren't there right now, I went to a less expensive doctor in town to talk about my fertility issues.

This doctor told me that with my history of 4 miscarriages, 2 placental abruptions, 1 case of placenta previa, and 1 premature birth, going on fertility drugs would be irresponsible, because of the chance of multiples. And she basically sent me away to just relax and keep at it on my own.

I was pretty heartbroken, since I really had my heart set on getting pregnant soon. I also know that the likelihood of twins goes up to 1 in 10 when on clomid, and I was really hoping for that, too. (Which was a long shot, I know.)

Well I decided to contact the doctor who treated me with Jeff and Jake (who specializes in high risk pregnancy). I wanted to see him originally, but because of the insurance thing I didn't want to have to pay cash at his more expensive office.

When I finally spoke with him on the phone, he gave me better news! He said that I could go on clomid with close monitoring! Sure the risk is higher for miscarriage and premature birth if I had twins.. But I would have that risk anyway with a single baby, and we've dealt with it all before. I'm excited that my doctor is willing to take on the challenge with me!

(End of drafted post)

Feb 2015
Well, I've begun the tests necessary for getting on the road to fertility treatment. Without insurance it's been pretty pricey. But it was worth it to fork out the money, because today I got some answers. I had an HSG done at the hospital today, and found out that I've had so much trouble getting pregnant because I have blocked fallopian tubes. There are a few things that could be causing this, so there are a few different treatment options, but they all require surgery. Expensive. Also, even in the best case scenario, after correction I'd have a 60% chance of ever getting pregnant. There is also the option of IVF, but again, PRICEY. And then there's always that fun fact about me that I miscarry all the time. It would really suck to go to all the trouble and spend all the money just to miscarry and experience more loss. So I'm basically feeling really defeated right now. And of course, on the way home from the hospital after my conclusive procedure, the song I've always associated with my hopes for a daughter came on the radio. I balled my eyes out the rest of the way home.

I have an appointment with my doctor in a couple weeks to discuss the results of my tests and think up a plan, but for now I think I'm just going to drink a big Dr. Pepper, sink into the couch, and hide from the world for the rest of the day.