Not this time

I was lucky! I got pregnant my first cycle on clomid, which the nurses reminded me I should be grateful for because it's uncommon. Yes, believe me, I was grateful.

We did everything right. I took every medication, took every precaution. But it was not to be. Miscarriage #5 at 6 weeks, ending with a d&c and two blood transfusions.

I'm trying to look at the bright side. I have two beautiful boys. I can still adopt, and am really starting to look into it. But despite the fact that the universe and even some people are trying to convince me to give up, I still have this nagging feeling. There's one more.

After Jacob was born, I had words come into my mind that really surprised me. When thinking about another child, the phrase in my mind was always "the next one", like the next in a line of many kids. But after Jacob, the phrase in my head went, "with the last one, ..." And the first time that happened I couldn't believe it. I stopped and asked, really? I only get one more?

And I've accepted that. One more biological child, anyway. And until my doctor says it's no longer safe, we're going to keep trying to bring that last little angel down to earth with us. I'm not giving up. This loss hurt, as they all do, no matter how far along. But I'm not giving up yet.

I do want to say thank you. Thanks to all the prayers that have been said on our behalf. Thanks for the meals that have been brought, the visits, and even the gifts. I'm grateful to know that so many people love and care for us, and that I have a loving Father in Heaven making sure we're okay.